


Undecided

by TonySawicki



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Anal Sex, Awkwardness, Bathtime Snuggling, Body Worship, Brief Discussion Of Suicidal Thoughts, Confusion, Frottage, Kissing, Light Angst, Love, M/M, Minor Injuries, Oral Sex, Relationship(s), Rough Sex, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, some humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-11-02 20:48:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10952463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonySawicki/pseuds/TonySawicki
Summary: After years of harboring unrequited feelings for Die, Kyo finally gets the chance to be happy with someone else--Only he can't seem to figure out what it is that he reallywants.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Dir en grey or profit from this at all or claim any of it to be true, etc.
> 
> Okay guys, so this is not actually going to be a cute happy Kk fic. Just warning you ahead of time so you're not misled, that's not really what this is. I will write something like that at some point, really, but this isn't it. Okay? Okay.

It had only been two days since Kaoru asked Kyo out, when the rest of the band discovered their relationship. Kyo had honestly wanted to keep it private a bit longer—not because he was ashamed, or wanted to _hide_ it from his bandmates, but just because it was new and strange and he wasn’t ready for everyone to know when he wasn’t even used to it yet himself.

He supposed in a way it had been a long time coming, with the aggressive sort of tension that had been between them for years. Still he’d never expected Kaoru to make the move like that, just bluntly asking Kyo to be with him. They were taking things slowly, cautiously, and then just like that it was out in the open.

They’d been in rehearsal, when during a break Kaoru had sat next to Kyo and just quietly let his hand rest over Kyo’s, not holding tight, just settling. But then Toshiya had walked past and just pointed at their hands, his mouth open in an expression of absolute delight. That drew everyone else’s attention to it as well, and while Shinya quietly voiced his support, Die’s reaction was less enthusiastic.

Or, rather, less existent. Die didn’t seem to react _at all_. He looked up from what he was doing with his guitar long enough to see what was happening, but he kept any opinions to himself.

It was only frustrating because it was _Die_ , and much as Kyo wanted to be convinced that the feelings he’d harbored for the rhythm guitarist were a thing of the past and not remotely a concern any longer, he couldn’t deny that the non-reaction made him feel sort of prickly all over.

After rehearsal Kaoru walked over and gave Kyo’s hand a quick squeeze. Kyo was grateful that he didn’t go in for a kiss since he wasn’t sure he was ready for that in front of people.

“So I’ll meet you over at your place around eight?” Kaoru said. 

Kyo didn’t know when he’d get used to Kaoru’s voice being so _sweet_ directed at him. He nodded. “I’ll be there. You need the address again?”

“I should have it still,” Kaoru said, and he smiled. “See you then.” He squeezed Kyo’s hand one more time before heading out.

Kyo smiled a little to himself, almost lightheaded from the easy and gentle affection Kaoru used with him. They had a movie night planned for tonight, and he was looking forward to just sitting near him, sharing that kind of casual intimacy.

Just as Kyo was pushing open the door into the cool air of the afternoon, Die caught up with him, slipping out as Kyo held the door open.

“Hey!” Die said.

Kyo wondered if Die was now going to have to something to say about his pursuing a relationship with Kaoru, but if he was, the smile on Die’s face suggested it would be something positive. “What’s up?” Kyo said.

“Not much.” Die shrugged. “Wondered if you wanted to get together later, play some video games.”

Kyo frowned. It wasn’t unheard of for them to have a gaming night, but Die hadn’t brought one up in ages. And wasn’t it strange that he _still_ wasn’t mentioning Kaoru? Was Kyo just reading too much into things? Still, he couldn’t help the traitorous pang in his chest, saying how much he’d like to spend an evening with Die, just goofing off. With no small amount of regret, he shook his head. “I’ve got plans, I’m sorry. Raincheck?”

“Yeah, sure thing,” Die said. “Short notice and all that. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Right,” Kyo said. He watched as Die headed off in another direction, and then went towards the station to catch his train home.

 

The knock on Kyo’s door came at 7:58 pm, and he smiled, quietly amused by Kaoru’s punctuality even in situations like this. He answered without even checking through the peephole, pleased and unsurprised to find Kaoru standing in the hall holding a bag from Lawson.

“We didn’t talk about dinner,” Kaoru said, stepping inside and out of his shoes. “I don’t know if you already ate, so I brought something just in case.” He shrugged and handed the bag off to Kyo before scooting his shoes to the side and putting on some guest slippers.

“I haven’t eaten,” Kyo said. He looked into the bag of conbini food and smiled. “This looks perfect. Thank you.” He took Kaoru’s hand and pulled him close, gave him a chaste kiss. “You know my tastes.”

“I’ve known you long enough, I guess I ought to know what you get from the conbini.”

“Naturally. Most important part of a new relationship.” Kyo stepped up out of the genkan, towards the living room.

“I mean…” A smile tugged at the corner of Kaoru’s mouth.

Kyo set the food down on the coffee table. “Get comfortable, I’m grabbing drinks. Er, I don’t have any beer or anything on-hand. Sorry, I didn’t think of it.”

“That’s all right,” Kaoru said as he settled onto the couch. “I brought my car anyway, so I wasn’t going to be drinking.”

Kyo nodded, accepting the subtle implication that Kaoru wasn’t planning on spending the night. This suited Kyo fine, and he went into the kitchen to grab a couple teas out of the fridge. Returning to the living room, he walked over to the bookshelf and took a blu-ray down. “This is a great movie; I give it a very high grade,” he said, putting the disc into the player before moving to sit by Kaoru on the couch.

“I’m not sure if a high grade from you equals a ‘great movie’ but we’ll see.”

“So rude,” Kyo said, shaking his head. He leaned forward to dig through the bag from Lawson and divided the food between them.

Kaoru watched the opening scene of the movie with pursed lips. “Is this going to be another one of your horror movies?”

Kyo tilted his head as he took the lid off his meal from the conbini. “I’d call it more suspense.”

“You sure your goal with this kind of film isn’t just to get me cowering in fear, desperate for some strong Kyo arms around me?”

Kyo smirked. “It might be. Think it’ll work?”

Kaoru gave him a condescending look. “Unlikely.”

“Damn,” Kyo said. “Worth a shot anyway.”

“Itadakimasu,” Kaoru said quietly, his hands together in front of him.

Kyo smiled before repeating it, unable to get over the novelty of this soft, private version of Kaoru to which he now had access. 

They ate and watched the movie for a while. It didn’t take long for it to become clear that it was very scary. Kaoru was shifting uneasily on the couch and Kyo was watching his reactions with ill-disguised glee. 

After maybe an hour of this, Kaoru paused the movie, turning to face Kyo reasonably. “Kyo, this movie is scary.”

“Isn’t it??” Kyo said, grinning excitedly.

“What is even the matter with you?” Kaoru asked, shaking his head fondly.

“Do you not like it?” Kyo said. He frowned slightly. “I thought you like scary things okay. You like _The Walking Dead_!”

“It’s not that I don’t like it,” Kaoru said, pushing a hand into Kyo’s hair. “I’m just amused that this is what you want to watch when we've had so few dates.”

“It’s a great movie,” Kyo insisted. “I just thought we’d both enjoy it.” He leaned in, close enough for his lips to nearly brush Kaoru’s, but not quite closing the space between them.

“Mm.” Kaoru slid his hand down from Kyo’s hair to cup the back of his neck. “Are you trying to draw my attention now to other things we’d both enjoy?”

“Maybe a little,” Kyo admitted. He started dragging slow kisses across Kaoru’s jawline. “The movie’s paused anyway.”

Kaoru breathed out a quiet little laugh. “I don’t think I’m going to be finishing that movie.” He leaned his head back as Kyo’s kisses traveled down over his neck.

“What, ever?” Kyo asked, a note of sadness in his voice, before he returned to sucking lightly at a patch of skin below Kaoru’s right ear.

“Oh god, Kyo, be careful with my neck… I mean, just… be aware of how much you want to work me up.”

“Mm, neck is a shortcut, then?” Kyo said with a smirk. “Good to know.” He licked up the whole length of Kaoru’s neck once more with a single stroke of his tongue, and finally met Kaoru’s lips, kissing him ravenously.

Kaoru let out a low moan, pushing back against Kyo’s mouth, and Kyo let his tongue push inside, lick over the points of Kyo’s teeth, making Kyo slightly dizzy as it went on.

Kyo held tightly onto Kaoru’s shoulders pulling him forward and letting himself fall back against the arm of the couch. There was something he really enjoyed about having Kaoru over him like this, the weight of him pinning Kyo down.

Kaoru’s hand moved teasingly down Kyo’s side, over his ribs and lower, his thumb catching on Kyo’s hip bone, rubbing over it.

Kyo couldn’t help the way his breath shuddered out of him at the touch, and instinctively, Kaoru’s hips rolled against his. All at once Kyo started to panic that this was moving faster than he had meant for it to; here he was vulnerable under Kaoru and they were getting altogether carried away. Hadn’t they agreed to not rush things?

Just as this parade of overwhelming anxiety was dancing through Kyo, Kaoru’s phone started ringing.

Kyo let out a breath of relief as, if nothing else, it would distract them enough from the heat of the moment to reassess what they were doing. He wasn’t even sure he didn’t _want_ Kaoru to fuck him right here on the couch, but he wanted them to talk it out a little bit first.

Kaoru sat back on his knees, dug his phone out of his pocket, and sighed. “It’s Toshiya,” he said. “If I don’t answer he leaves me weird voicemails.”

“Go for it,” Kyo said, using the break to calm himself down some.

“Yeah, what is it?” Kaoru said when he answered, not apparently interested in starting off with pleasant chitchat. Kyo watched with mild amusement as Kaoru closed his eyes, making his long-suffering _liida_ face while he listened to whatever Toshiya needed. “Mm-hmm. Yes, but I don’t have it right _now_ ,” Kaoru said. After a brief pause, “Right but not _on_ me, at this exact moment, no.” Kaoru pushed some hair back from his face, looking exasperated. “I’m not home, okay? I’m—yes.” He sighed again, glancing down at Kyo. “Yes, he’s here.”

Kyo could hear Toshiya squealing over the line and smirked. He made sure he had eye contact with Kaoru and slowly shifted his own shirt up before just lazily letting his hand play over his abs, fingertips brushing the waistband of his pants but no lower, keeping it subtle as he tried to work Kaoru up again, now when he needed his focus elsewhere.

When Kaoru registered Kyo’s little display, his eyes went wide before he clamped them shut, looking almost pained. “Yep. Thanks. I’ll be sure to tell him. Yeah, see you tomorrow. I’ll bring it then, yes. G’night.” He shook his head as he hung up, finally looking back down at Kyo. “You’re terrible.”

“Did I get a message?” Kyo asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“He said… to enjoy our evening,” Kaoru said.

“That’s all?”

“He phrased it a little differently, but that was the gist of it.”

Kyo smiled and then his face went pensive. “They all know. How are you doing with that?”

“I’m fine with it,” Kaoru said. “It helps that they’re fine with it.” He threaded his fingers through Kyo’s hair.

“Right,” Kyo said, pursing his lips. “Mostly.”

“What’s wrong?” Kaoru asked, pulling his hand back to lace his fingers with Kyo’s instead.

Kyo pushed himself to sit up more, flexing his fingers against Kaoru’s. And how did they get here? It had been two days and they were all tangled limbs on his couch and holding hands like a couple of lovebirds? It was hard not to feel like he was drowning. It was all good things, and yet he didn’t even _know_ if it was really what he _wanted_. “How did you think Die took it?”

Kaoru frowned. “Well, he… I don’t remember him saying anything, actually.”

“Or doing anything,” Kyo agreed. “Or making any faces. Isn’t that weird, for him?”

“You think so?” Kaoru said.

“I don’t know,” Kyo said. He covered a yawn with his free hand. “I just don’t want anyone to be uncomfortable, and I don’t know why he wouldn’t say anything unless he didn’t have anything good to say.”

“C’mon, don’t let it get you all tied up in knots.” Kaoru brought Kyo’s knuckles to his lips. “You’re tired. Wanna call it a night?”

Kyo grimaced guiltily. “You’re not mad?”

“No way. I enjoyed our evening very much. Let’s do it again soon.”

“Yeah, let’s. I enjoyed it too,” Kyo said. “I’m just drained.”

“Early rehearsal tomorrow anyway. Go to bed, won’t you?” Kaoru said, getting up from the couch.

Kyo saluted him sarcastically, but then smiled and stood to properly kiss him goodnight. “Drive safe. Need you to run rehearsal.”

Kaoru kissed him like he might not get another chance, and when he left Kyo felt needy and confused and like he’d never known what he wanted _less_ than he did tonight.

 

* * *

 

The next morning Kaoru and Shinya were already getting things set up when Kyo got to rehearsal. Kyo didn’t want to interrupt so he just gave a little wave and a smile as he came in and went to sit down and look over some of his lyrics. He didn’t really know how to act around Kaoru in this setting. Even if the other band members knew, it felt weird being affectionate out in the open, and he didn’t feel ready for that. He figured he could keep his safe distance for now.

Toshiya and Die came in together, the sound of their characteristic laughter preceding them.

“Good morning!” Toshiya said brightly. “Kaoru! You have my book?”

Kaoru nodded. “It’s in my bag.”

“Great,” Toshiya said. He went straight to the bag where it was lying on a chair and easily dug out the book in question. “Sorry to be weird about it, but the girl I’ve been kind of seeing is really into classic guitars and I promised I’d lend it to her.”

“No, yeah, it’s your book, man,” Kaoru said, turning to mess more with his amp.

“I’m hitting the vending machine,” Toshiya said then. “Anyone want anything?”

“Hot coffee?” Kaoru requested.

When no one else voiced an interest, Toshiya nodded and went out the door. Shinya joined him, claiming he wanted to see the options for himself.

Die started getting his equipment ready and Kyo looked at him over the top of his glasses as he struck up a conversation with Kaoru.

“Man, I passed out so early last night. I can’t remember when I last got that much sleep,” Die said.

“That’s good!” Kaoru said. “Unusual for you, isn’t it? Were you drinking?”

“Not a lot, which just made it more unusual.” Die licked his lips before asking, “What about you, what did you do last night?”

“Nothing,” Kaoru said, shrugging. “Just a quiet night at home.”

_Uh oh_. Kyo made a little _yeej_ face at that. Sure, they’d talked about not wanting Die to be uncomfortable with their relationship, but lying to his face about it hardly seemed like the best way to handle the situation.

“Oh, really?” Die said. “‘Cause I heard from _Toshiya_ that you were with _Kyo_ last night.”

It might have seemed normal if he’d laughed right after, given some indication he was teasing, but his tone and his facial expression didn’t make it seem like he was joking around at all. In fact, he seemed… _angry_?

“Yeah, so, he was,” Kyo interjected.

Die turned to him, still looking seriously, bafflingly, mad. “And yet, when _I_ asked if you wanted to hang out, you ‘had plans’?”

“I _did_ ,” Kyo said, setting his lyrics aside to give Die his full attention. “Kaoru was my plans.”

“So you guys have your little movie night and don’t even _invite_ me?” Die said.

Kyo stared at him, bewildered. “What the hell, Die? It was a _date_ , why would we invite you??”

Die froze, looking like someone had just doused him with ice water. After a pause he said, “Well, why didn’t you just say that when I asked.”

“To be frank, it wasn’t any of your business. It’s… well, my private life,” Kyo said, frowning. “You know Kaoru and I are in a relationship; that’s gonna mean we get together sometimes without the band.”

“Yeah, and lie about it,” Die said bitterly.

“ _I_ never lied about anything,” Kyo said hotly. Having his honesty doubted was something that got him especially worked up. “Kaoru did just now, and that was completely unwise, and here I am trying to set things straight.”

“Sorry,” Kaoru muttered, standing back aways from the confrontation.

“I’m… sorry, too,” Die said. He looked between Kaoru and Kyo. “I don’t know why I was so… I guess I just got mad feeling like you guys were trying to hide stuff. But you’re right, it’s your… personal lives. It’s not my place. And, I mean, I support you obviously, as long as you’re making each other happy.”

Kaoru nodded, offering Kyo a small smile.

Kyo wasn’t willing to smile just yet. “I accept your apology,” he said, and to be clear that he was done talking about it, he picked up his lyrics notebook again and opened it.

When Shinya and Toshiya returned with coffee a few minutes later, the rehearsal room was quiet with a heavy kind of tension hanging in the air. Toshiya looked like he was going to question it, but Shinya silenced him with a knowing look, and the awkwardness didn’t diffuse until they finally started playing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a few things. First of all, I want to make it clear that nothing I write should be taken as some kind of... representation of a healthy relationship. I'm not making any claims here, just so yeah.  
> Next I guess I want to give a possible trigger warning, that there is (what I consider to be) a fairly upsetting sex scene in this chapter. There's nothing dubious about the consent or anything, but when I was _writing_ it I felt like it was just... kind of upsetting. So I felt it would be right for me to pass that warning on to you guys.  
>  Might be kind of a rough chapter, some clichés, some ugliness. Nobody's perfect.

Over the next couple weeks, Kyo and Kaoru’s relationship didn’t move forward very quickly at all. They got more comfortable with each other and learned some likes and dislikes, but they were still trying to take things slowly, for themselves and for the sake of the band. If it heated up too quickly and then came crashing down, no one wanted the band to feel the damage from that.

However, it would have been hard for them to make much headway anyway with how weird Die had been continuing to act. Despite his saying he supported their relationship and wanted them to be happy, he hadn’t really given them any time alone together.

He was inviting one or both of them to hang out nearly every day, and if he overheard them making plans he would cheerfully invite himself along. Kyo didn’t have the first idea how to deal with it. He didn’t want to drive some wedge between them and risk hurting their professional relationship, but he was totally confounded by how _bizarre_ Die was being about the whole thing.

Kyo arrived at the studio one morning in an extremely bad mood. Kaoru went to greet him and frowned when he was met with grumpiness.

“What happened?” he asked, running his hand up and down Kyo’s bicep in a comforting gesture.

Kyo sighed. “The apartment above mine had some kind of problem with their plumbing, and I woke up in the middle of the night to find my home partway _flooded_.”

“How bad?”

“Only like an inch or two of water, and only half the apartment, but it still did a lot of damage. The tatami has to be replaced, some of my electronics got fucked up, and I’m moving a lot of my books into storage until they’re sure the leak is fixed.”

“Damn, that’s stressful,” Kaoru said. He moved around Kyo, automatically starting to massage his shoulders, trying to ease the tension there.

“It’s just a mess,” Kyo said. His phone vibrated and he pulled it out to read the text he’d gotten. “Ah, fuck,” he said, dropping his head forward.

“Why, what now?” Kaoru worked his thumbs over the muscles at the base of Kyo’s neck.

“Photos from my landlord,” Kyo said without lifting his head. “The ceiling is caving in from the water damage. I’m gonna have to fucking _move_.”

“Oh,” Kaoru said, pausing in his massage. He got awkward, saying, “Um. That’s… Hmm…”

Kyo turned towards him. “Hey. I’m not tryin’ to move in with _you_. Stop freaking out.”

Kaoru flushed slightly. “Right. I didn’t… Sorry. Where will you go?”

Kyo sighed again, and started texting his landlord back. “I’m gonna see if they have anything available in my same building and I could just scoot everything over? Make things a lot easier.”

“I’ll help you move things, obviously. What about the neighbors?” Kaoru asked.

“They came by this morning and apologized, but I mean, it’s not their fault,” Kyo said. “I’m just lucky I have insurance so I don’t have to pay to replace everything.”

“Yeah, really,” Kaoru said. “Um, do you need somewhere to stay in the meantime? I have a comfortable couch if you need your own sleep space. You can stay till things get moved.”

Kyo leaned up to kiss Kaoru softly. “You’re sweet. But I don’t want to impose. I can get a hotel room—probably better that way.”

Kaoru nodded. “Okay. Are you okay?”

Kyo gave a helpless little shrug. “Kind of? I’m just so _tired_. Didn’t get much sleep.”

“How about we relax tonight? Just curl up on the couch with a movie and snacks, no worrying about everything else,” Kaoru said, squeezing both of Kyo’s hands in his.

“I’m down! We can do it at my house!” Die said, appearing at Kyo’s shoulder.

Kyo closed his eyes and bit back an exasperated groan. What the fuck was Die doing now?

Kaoru tried to step up this time. “Um, no, Die, I think just the two of us. Kyo’s having a pretty shitty day with his apartment flooding, and he just needs to relax.”

“Your apartment flooded? That sucks,” Die said. “But you should definitely both come over then! Lord knows you could stand to kick back too, Liida-sama.”

Kyo was about to say something less than polite to Die when Kaoru was squeezing his arm as if in warning and he snapped his mouth shut, glaring between the two men.

“I _insist_!” Die said. “Come after work, take a load off!”

Kaoru gave a stiff nod, saying, “Well. Thank you, Die. We’ll at least… stop by.”

Kyo scowled. Kaoru was way too polite to say what he should have said.

“Excellent! It’ll be fun, Kyo,” Die said with his usual grin. “I swear, it’ll take your mind off all the bad shit.”

Kyo didn’t even bother offering him a fake smile. He was irritated and confused and he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what Die was _up_ to. Was he trying to worm his way into Kyo and Kaoru’s relationship, get with _both_ of them? ‘Cause if so, Kyo wasn’t really interested. Not because he wasn’t interested in Die (he _was_ , and that had been a fact that had made his life difficult for _years_ now) but he’d tried the poly thing once before and it just didn’t work for him. It hadn’t lasted long at all because Kyo was too insecure, couldn’t trust that someone still wanted _him_ when they also had someone else. He hoped Die inviting them over wasn’t some misguided seduction tactic.

Kaoru was in and out of meetings all day and Kyo avoided meetings as much as possible, so he was left mostly to work on writing stuff and responding to emails about scheduling interviews and the like; they didn’t see each other much until the end of the day.

“You want to drive over to Die’s together from here?” Kaoru asked, leaning against the table Kyo had been working at while he packed up his bag.

“No, ‘cause I don’t want to go to Die’s,” Kyo said shortly.

Kaoru pursed his lips. “Well. I guess we could tell him you’re not feeling well.”

Kyo gave him a look as he zipped his bag. “I’m not gonna lie to him. What would that accomplish?”

“I don’t understand what you want me to do!” Kaoru snapped.

“I want you to acknowledge that Die is acting fucking _weird_!” Kyo half-shouted back. He glanced around the room, grateful that everyone else had left already. “And I want you to stop agreeing to hanging out with him when he’s honestly making me kind of uncomfortable,” he said more calmly.

“We have to work with him,” Kaoru said. “And he’s a _friend_.”

“That somehow makes his weird-ass behavior okay?” Kyo said. “We never spent this much time with him _before_ you and I got together! He doesn’t even let us walk next to each other; he’s always just _right there_! I can’t take it anymore!”

Kaoru sighed. “I’ll… talk to him, okay? I will. Just, can you manage tonight?”

“Fine,” Kyo said. He would live through one more awkward evening and then he could go get his hotel room and enjoy some much-needed alone time.

As Kaoru drove them over to Die’s townhouse, Kyo kept quiet. He felt kind of bad about it, but he was seriously annoyed with Kaoru. It was probably the angriest he’d been with him since they started dating, and it seemed ridiculous that it would be about someone else. On some level, he knew he was just already in a bad mood because of everything going on with his apartment, and he tried to actively force himself to be more forgiving.

They’d almost reached Die’s place when Kyo spoke up, waving a kind of proverbial olive branch as he said, “I have to pack up a lot of my books, you know, with the move, but I thought if you want, I can lend you that manga series I was telling you about the other day.” He looked over at Kaoru, but he didn’t respond, so Kyo went on, “Like I said before, those books are probably one of my biggest artistic influences, as far as visual art. They were hugely important to me during my formative years.” He smiled a little. “I’d feel better knowing you were holding onto them and enjoying them than I would with them in some dark, damp storage cell.”

Kaoru parked the car. “You should put them in storage; I’m not gonna read them.” He didn’t say anything further before getting out of the car and waiting for Kyo to get out as well so he could lock up.

Kyo tried not to look too stunned by the coldness of Kaoru’s answer, but he really hadn’t been expecting it somehow. Was Kaoru angry with Kyo, too? Was Kyo's frustration with Die so unreasonable that it had pissed Kaoru off? Kyo did his best to push the anxiety down to be dealt with later, instead getting out of the car and walking with Kaoru up to Die’s front door.

Die was upbeat as he greeted them and got them settled on his couch with plates of food he’d apparently cooked himself. Kyo was kind of relieved that he seemed to be acting just on the normal side of friendly, playing host, putting on a movie, sitting on the other side of Kaoru to watch—but it was also almost _more_ weird. If Die wasn’t up to something, why was he having them over at all? Still, he felt bad for always suspecting an ulterior motive, and turned his attentions to enjoying the movie.

Die’s couch had too many throw pillows on it, and Kyo was distracted by how he kept having to shift around to be comfortable. Once he’d finished eating, he left his plate on the coffee table, and pulled one of the pillows out from behind himself, setting it on his lap so he could sit back. He could sense that Kaoru was still tense next to him, and he didn’t dare scoot closer in case that would make him more uncomfortable, what with Die there and everything. Instead he just let his hand rest on the couch cushion between them, a show of nearness without any of the expectation.

Still struggling to get comfy, Kyo pulled his legs up onto the couch, sat with them crossed in front of him. The motion caused another throw pillow to fall down, landing on Kyo’s hand on the couch. He couldn’t be bothered to put it back where it had been, and a moment later he felt Kaoru’s hand slipping under the pillow to rest over Kyo’s. He slanted his eyes at Kaoru and offered him just the hint of a hopeful smile. Seeing it returned, he subtly adjusted his hand so he could lace his fingers with Kaoru’s.

They stayed like that most of the movie and even the small intimacy had Kyo’s heart beating almost frantically. He still wasn’t used to it, and it felt so _good_.

The movie was nearing the end when Die got up and started collecting dishes to take to the kitchen.

“Need any help with that?” Kaoru asked.

“No, no, stay and enjoy the movie. I’ve seen it before,” Die said quickly. He asked if anyone needed drinks refilled, and when they shook their heads he started out of the room. But he came to an abrupt stop in front of Kyo, frowning down at the pillow that covered his and Kaoru’s linked hands. “What’s _this_?” he said, flipping the pillow up.

Kyo and Kaoru both looked down at their hands resting on the couch, and after a beat, the flipped pillow fell unceremoniously back down, covering them once more. They turned back to stare at Die.

Die made a significantly unpleasant noise, something between a snort and a growl, and left for the kitchen.

Kyo looked at Kaoru with wide eyes. What the fuck kind of reaction was that?

Kaoru shrugged uneasily and whispered, “Should I go talk to him??”

“I don’t fucking know!” Kyo hissed, shaking his head helplessly.

They turned to look towards the kitchen, waiting for Die to come back, but he didn’t. Fifteen minutes passed and the movie ended, and still Die hadn’t returned from the kitchen.

Kaoru picked up the pillow still resting over their hands, hugging it against his stomach instead as he frowned down at the floor. The living room was silent now that the credits had stopped rolling. Finally Kaoru said, “I have some… emails I was supposed to send. Paperwork kind of stuff. Probably should be heading home.”

It was a flimsy excuse but Kyo didn’t challenge it, able to see how uncomfortable his boyfriend was with the awkward situation in which they’d found themselves. He rubbed his thumb in a little circle across the back of Kaoru’s hand.

“Should we go say goodnight and I can drive you to whatever hotel you were going to?” Kaoru asked.

Kyo worried his bottom lip with his teeth, but then shook his head. “No, you go on. I can take the train or catch a cab or whatever, it’s fine.”

“You’re staying?” Kaoru raised an eyebrow.

“I guess I’m gonna try to talk to Die,” Kyo said. He gave Kaoru’s hand a squeeze before he let go so he could stand up.

“Do you need me to stay too?”

Kyo could tell how obligatory the offer was and smiled slightly as he assured Kaoru he would be fine on his own. He saw him to the door and leaned up to kiss him goodnight.

“I’m sorry this wasn’t exactly the stress-free evening I’d intended,” Kaoru said, pushing a few strands of hair back from Kyo’s face.

“There will be other such evenings,” Kyo said. “Get home safe, okay?”

Kaoru nodded. “Call me if you need to.” He left quietly and Kyo stood in the darkened living room for several minutes before he psyched himself up enough to head for the kitchen.

Pushing the kitchen door open quietly, Kyo poked his head in to find Die standing at the sink, staring into space out the dark window in front of him. The water was running and his hands were absently moving dishes under the stream; currently he was rinsing off a rather large and intimidating knife, but his attention was nowhere near what he was doing.

“Die?” Kyo said cautiously. When he didn’t turn, Kyo took a couple steps into the room. “Hey, Die?” he tried again, a bit louder, though still gently.

This time, Die jerked around to look at Kyo and the knife slipped in his hands, cutting a good-sized gash across the heel of his hand. “Kyo! Shit!” he inhaled sharply, dropping the knife into the sink with a clatter as he moved his now-injured hand under the faucet.

“Shit, sorry!” Kyo said, rushing forward, eyes wide. “Are you okay?”

Die shook his head. “Not your fault, I was just being stupid.”

“How bad is it?” Kyo asked, peering around Die to see into the sink. It was a clean cut, didn’t look too deep. Kyo suspected he’d done worse to himself onstage many a time.

“Not bad,” Die said. “Heh, wanna grab my first aid kit from the bathroom?”

Kyo nodded, jumping into action and running to the bathroom down the hall. He easily found the kit in the cabinet under the sink and brought it back to the kitchen. He set it on the counter and before he could offer to help any further, Die had it open and was going about applying ointment and bandaging his own hand.

Kyo watched, feeling awkward and useless. His eyes caught sight of the few spots of blood still on the edge of the sink and his own palms itched uncomfortably. 

“There,” Die said, stretching his bandaged hand. He started to clean up. “Not nearly as gruesome as it looked at first.” He smiled at Kyo, but it was not returned.

“Are you okay?” Kyo asked again.

“Flesh wound,” Die said dismissively.

“Not what I meant,” Kyo said, his voice serious.

Die’s smile faltered for a second and then slid back into place as he gathered up the first aid kit and took it back down the hall, Kyo trailing after him. “I don’t know what you did mean then,” he said. He put the kit back where it had been in the bathroom and turned to face Kyo. “Where’s Kaoru?”

“He left,” Kyo said. “Die…”

“He _left_ left?” Die walked back towards the living room. “That’s uncharacteristically impolite of him.”

“ _Die_ ,” Kyo said, walking after him again.

“Didn’t even say goodbye—”

“ _Die_!” Kyo grabbed Die’s arm to hold him still. “Stop walking away from me.”

Die turned reluctantly back to Kyo and slowly met his eyes.

“What the fuck is going on?” Kyo asked, not unkindly.

Die looked for a moment like he might answer, but when he opened his mouth to speak, no sound came out.

“Like, you’ve been acting weird for weeks now,” Kyo said, his dormant anger starting to build. “I don’t understand what you’re going for. I thought maybe you were trying to lure me and Kaoru here so you could seduce us both, but that’s—”

“No, god.” Die closed his eyes, wincing slightly. “That’s not…”

“Then what? Are you trying to drive us _away_?” Kyo said. “That’s all that’s going to happen with you making things so awkward.”

“I’m not meaning to—”

“Then what _are_ you meaning to do??” Kyo was almost shouting now, his pent-up frustrations finally overflowing. “You get between us all the time, you’re mad if we do anything by ourselves, but you don’t say what your aim is, I mean, shit, Die, what do you _want_?”

“ _You_!” Die cried, sounding more anguished than Kyo had ever heard him. “I want _you_ , Kyo, and smart as you are, I don’t see how that’s not _obvious_.”

The silence that followed seemed like it might last indefinitely, until Kyo spoke.

“Well, you can’t _have_ me,” he said coldly. Silently he added, _not anymore_. Die had had his chance when Kyo had made his feelings for him known _years_ ago, and he’d made it abundantly clear that he wasn’t interested. Now Kyo was finally getting to move on, have a shot at being happy with someone else, and Die’s feelings had suddenly changed? No way.

“I know,” Die said, quietly. There were tears on his face, but that only made Kyo angrier.

“You know. Then what the fuck are you doing, trying to sabotage my relationship?” Kyo growled. “It’s fun for you to be there whenever Kaoru and I spend time together, huh? You threw an absolute tantrum tonight just seeing us hold hands during a movie, but you wanna be there whenever we go on a date, every time we kiss? You wanna be standing there the first time we fuck?” Maybe that was unnecessarily cruel, but Kyo couldn’t find it in himself to feel real remorseful at the moment.

Die didn’t say anything and Kyo was struck by how _small_ he looked standing there, cowering like a threatened animal.

Kyo snorted and shook his head as he turned away and moved towards the genkan. He pulled on his jacket and shoes before he turned back to where Die was, still unmoving in the middle of the living room. “Is this going to be a _problem_?” Kyo asked, unable to keep the sneer off his face.

“No,” Die managed, shakily.

In any other situation, Kyo would have gone back; he could never stand to see Die crying, and something in him still tugged him backwards, told him to hold Die and offer comfort—but he didn’t listen to that voice today. He couldn’t. He just nodded and left Die’s townhouse, closing the door tightly behind himself. He started walking towards the nearest train station, already pulling out his phone as he went.

Kaoru answered after a couple of rings. “Kyo?”

“You haven’t gone to bed,” Kyo said.

“No,” Kaoru said. “Are you okay? Do you need me to come get you somewhere?”

“No,” Kyo replied. “I’m coming over there.” He paused to give Kaoru the chance to object.

Instead, Kaoru just said, “Oh! Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Um, I’ll see you soon then?” Kaoru said.

“See you soon.” Kyo hung up and wouldn’t allow himself to regret what he was doing as he arrived at the station.

Two line transfers later, Kyo was walking up to Kaoru’s building, still moving faster than he usually did. He made it up to Kaoru’s floor and as soon as the door opened, Kyo was pushing his way inside, slamming Kaoru against the wall of the genkan and kissing him roughly.

Kaoru made a surprised little noise, but then he was kissing Kyo back just as passionately, his hands fisting in the material of Kyo’s jacket.

When Kyo pulled back, slightly breathless, he stared up into Kaoru’s eyes. “I want you.”

“Kyo…” Kaoru didn’t go on, instead burying his face against Kyo’s neck, kissing and biting.

“I mean it,” Kyo said, tipping his head to allow Kaoru better access, his eyes falling closed. “Now. I want you to fuck me. Make me yours.”

Kaoru let out a groan against Kyo’s throat, but didn’t try to make any argument. He worked Kyo’s jacket off his shoulders and let it fall to the floor before Kyo was clumsily getting his shoes off and then Kaoru was guiding him to the bedroom, still sucking and nipping at his neck as much as he could when they were moving.

Kyo pulled back to look at Kaoru again once they were in he bedroom, his hands going to Kaoru’s belt. “I don’t want you to hold back,” he said as he got the belt open and pulled it free, dropping it to the floor. 

Kaoru couldn’t do anything but stare as Kyo started to unbutton his fly and then he was fighting back a whine as Kyo moved to kneel in front of him.

Kyo finally got Kaoru’s fly undone, dragged his pants and briefs down, and licked his lips as he revealed Kaoru’s cock. He flicked his eyes back up to Kaoru’s face and said, “Make me take it.” 

“Fuck…” Kaoru’s hand moved slowly over his cock as Kyo opened his mouth, submissive and waiting. Kaoru got his other hand in Kyo’s hair, roughly, but Kyo’s only response was to close his eyes and let his mouth open _wider_ , and Kaoru was practically growling as he thrust into that wet heat. 

Kyo had been expecting it, _wanting_ it, and he let out a choked sort of moan as he was forced down onto Kaoru’s cock. He let the hand in his hair dictate his pace as he bobbed his head, taking as much of Kaoru in as he could, and then taking more, feeling him brushing the back of his throat. There were tears forming in Kyo’s eyes, but he needed this, needed to know that he could _belong_ to Kaoru, that he could make that choice for himself, that whatever weird shit Die was trying to pull didn’t change what Kyo wanted and what Kyo _had_.

The passing thought of Die made anger flare up in Kyo again and he pushed himself down farther on Kaoru’s length, gagging a bit in the process though he managed to recover quickly enough, his nose brushing the curls at the base. 

Kaoru moaned loudly, tightened his grip on Kyo’s hair enough that it stung. He held him in place, rocking his hips. 

Kyo let Kaoru fuck his mouth, blinking back tears so he could look up at Kaoru’s face. Kaoru had his head thrown back, was clearly enjoying himself, and Kyo tried to listen to a voice inside him saying this was _good_ , it was _good_ , and they were _happy_ , and this was what Kyo _wanted_.

It wasn’t enough, and after another minute, Kyo got his hands on Kaoru’s thighs and squeezed. Kaoru looked down at him and let go of his hair so Kyo could pull off. Kyo coughed a few times, his lips swollen, wet with saliva and pre-cum. 

“Hey, hey,” Kaoru rubbed a hand over Kyo’s shoulder. “You okay?”

Kyo nodded as he tried to get his breathing under control. “I just…” His voice came out raw and hoarse and he cleared his throat before making another attempt. “Need you, pounding my ass.” He pushed himself up from his knees and stripped off his shirt.

“Shit, Kyo,” Kaoru said quietly. He moved forward to help Kyo get his jeans unfastened, but tilted his head, eyeing him curiously. “What’s gotten into you?”

“I’m just tired of waiting,” Kyo said, shaking his head. He didn’t quite meet Kaoru’s eyes. “I want you fucking me, hard. I want to be yours.” He freed his own erection, pulling his remaining clothing down and off and kicking it all aside.

“Aren’t you already?” Kaoru murmured, all gentleness as he stroked his thumb over Kyo’s cheekbone.

Kyo closed his eyes and took a steadying breath before he took hold of Kaoru’s wrist and moved his hand to rest over Kyo’s throat. “Not enough,” Kyo whispered. “Mark me. Brand me. Claim me.” He heard Kaoru’s breath catch and opened his eyes, looking at him intently. “Remind me what I am, and show me that you _own_ me.”

There was no mistaking the arousal in Kaoru’s eyes as he tightened his hand over Kyo’s throat briefly and then let go. “Get on the bed.”

Kyo turned to do just that, walking over and climbing up onto Kaoru’s bed on his hands and knees. He kept his head bowed, waiting for Kaoru to come and take him.

Kaoru made a sound that was half approval, half lust and Kyo heard a drawer opening and closing before a slick finger was at his entrance, pushing in.

Some sick part of Kyo was almost disappointed that Kaoru was taking the time to prep him. He tried to silence his depressing masochistic desires and let Kaoru do what he wanted, since that was really what was more important right now anyway: whatever Kaoru wanted.

Kaoru seemed satisfied with his preparation a few minutes later and Kyo heard the lube return to the drawer. “Hold yourself open for me,” Kaoru said in a low voice.

Kyo swallowed, deeply embarrassed as he reached back with both hands and spread his cheeks. He heard Kaoru’s little moan, and buried his face in the covers, trying to hide from the shame of being so wholly exposed and on display.

“Mine,” Kaoru said, lining up his cock and then pushing just the head into Kyo’s hole.

“ _Ahh_!” Kyo’s eyes squeezed shut and he turned his face even more into the covers.

Kaoru was slow about it, pushing the head of his cock in, thrusting shallowly, and then pulling it out again several times, causing Kyo’s body to give a little jerk with each penetration. His hands rested over Kyo’s, keeping his hips where he wanted them, but also preventing Kyo from moving his hands elsewhere. When he finally thrust all the way in, Kyo let out something like a shout, though it was mostly muffled by the bedspread.

“Oh, Kyo, _fuck_ ,” Kaoru groaned. His pace picked up rapidly and soon he was just slamming into Kyo again and again, his usual control quickly ebbing away. He adjusted his hands so he could grip Kyo’s hips more firmly, pulling him back, nails digging in enough to hurt. “God, yes, take it!”

Kyo was lurching forward with every thrust. He was finally able to get his arms under him and support himself on his elbows, though he kept his face hidden in the covers for the most part. Maybe it should have been troubling just how much Kyo was getting off on this, despite the notable pain and humiliation. Still, something in him was unsatisfied, a small echo in his mind begging Kaoru silently, _hurt me_.

Whether Kyo had managed to effectively communicate this desire or Kaoru was just getting carried away himself was unclear, but Kyo’s eyes were suddenly snapping open as Kaoru’s hand came down on his ass, _hard_.

“ _What are you_?” Kaoru hissed before slapping him again.

“Y-yours!” Kyo choked out. He clutched the bedspread hard enough to turn his knuckles white.

Kaoru moaned, thrust in even harder, gripping Kyo with both hands once more. “ _Yes_ , say it again.”

“I’m yours,” Kyo said, gasping for breath. “Just yours.” There were tears in his eyes again and he kept them shut tight, little bursts of color flashing in the black behind his eyelids. “Kaoru, please, make me… make me yours, make me your _bitch_ —”

“ _Fucking hell_ , Kyo!”

“ _Own_ me!!” Kyo begged. His own neglected cock was heavy between his legs and he knew he was close without even touching it.

“I _do_ own you, you little _bitch_ ,” Kaoru growled. He raked his nails up Kyo’s thighs, leaving angry red trails behind. Then his concentration went back into how hard he was fucking Kyo into the mattress, hunched over him, desperation apparently driving every other thought from his mind. “You’re _mine_ , and you love taking my cock like a good slut, don’t you?”

Kyo bit his lip, pawed at the bed under him. A kind of panic was coursing through him by now, telling him to get away, and still he was trying to hear the even more distant voice saying this was _good, good, good,_ and this was what he _wanted._ It was starting to distort, sounding more like _this is what you deserve_ and _this is all anyone will ever want you for_. He let out a strangled sort of sob as Kaoru changed his angle and slammed into him, hitting his prostate.

“ _Answer me_ ,” Kaoru said, making sure to hit the same spot again.

Kyo gave a broken sort of cry and then said, “Yes, ye-es, I-I love it!” 

Kaoru grunted and reached around Kyo, getting his hand around Kyo’s length at last. It only took a few quick strokes for Kyo to cum, shaking all over, thick spurts running over Kaoru’s fist onto the covers below. Kyo bit down on his lip hard enough to draw blood, keeping any sounds from coming out.

Kyo’s body clenching so tightly around his dick was all Kaoru needed to be thrown over the edge himself and not long after Kyo finished, Kaoru was burying himself deep and filling Kyo with pulse after pulse of his cum.

Kaoru pulled out carefully once he’d caught his breath, and disappeared to get a damp washcloth from the bathroom. Kyo collapsed onto the bed, curled in on himself, still shaking and clutching the bedspread like some kind of lifeline. He heard Kaoru return and felt the bed dip as Kaoru climbed onto it. Then there was the damp cloth cleaning him up so gently, and still he couldn’t stop shaking. 

Kaoru tossed the cloth further down the bed to be dealt with later and snuggled up behind Kyo. It took him another minute before he was covering Kyo’s hands with his own, trying to get them to relax their grip. “Hey. Hey, shh shh shh.” Kaoru pressed his lips tenderly against Kyo’s shoulder. “Are… are you crying?”

It was fairly obvious that Kyo was crying and he didn’t know how to answer other than to try to curl more in on himself.

“Shh, shh,” Kaoru said again. “It’s… It’s okay. You’re okay. I love you, I’ve got you.” He sounded slightly unsure. “Was I, um, too much? I think… I got carried away.”

Kyo shook his head as best he could with how small he was trying to make himself. “You were fine. I’m. I’m okay.” He couldn’t say whether that was entirely true, but he certainly didn’t blame Kaoru for any amount of not-okay he was. All Kaoru had done was what Kyo asked; it was just that Kyo had no idea anymore what he really wanted, if he had ever known in the first place. 

“What do you need?” Kaoru asked, one hand stroking in a soothing gesture over Kyo’s thigh.

Kyo breathed, slowly, cautiously. In, out, in again. After a long moment he said, “Just this? Just… hold me?” He kept his eyes closed, his face turned away from Kaoru, and just let Kaoru’s arms close around him, offering comfort in a way that he still couldn’t fully register.

They lay like that until they fell asleep. Kyo heard Kaoru doze off first, his breathing settling and the soft occasional snore making itself heard. Kyo’s heart was still pounding, adrenaline from the suffocating panic of earlier keeping him from totally relaxing. This was good, he reminded himself. This part, here, with Kaoru holding him like he could keep him safe, even when he couldn’t, Kaoru _loving_ him. 

It was a long while later that Kyo finally drifted out of consciousness, thoughts of his own hatred for himself lurking at the forefront of his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem Kyo shares with Die in case people don't know it!:  
> https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems-and-poets/poems/detail/44835
> 
> I don't own that either, obviously. (And I don't know if Die would know Dorothy Parker, but I'm takin' the chance that at least Kyo, as a poet, might sooo? Bear with meee)
> 
> Anyway, that should polish this one off. Thanks, all.

Die didn’t interfere with Kyo and Kaoru’s relationship again. Instead he retreated into himself more than any of his bandmates were used to. When Kaoru asked Kyo about it, how Die had suddenly backed off, all Kyo would say was that he’d talked to him. Kyo wasn’t heartless; he did feel bad for the things he’d said to Die that night and he wasn’t interested in embarrassing him by telling the whole band what had gone down. At the same time though, he still felt an almost irrational anger towards Die. After Kyo had spent so many years _knowing—_ knowing because Die had _told_ him—that there was no chance of the two of them together, torturing himself with the irrefutable fact that Die would never love him back, struggling to move on from someone he’d never had and yet had to see and work with on a near-daily basis, Die’s sudden admission had felt like some cruel joke.

It was perhaps more of a surprise than it should have been when Kyo found Shinya approaching him as he got ready to leave the studio one day, a serious expression on his face.

“Have you talked to Die lately?” Shinya asked, and Kyo raised an eyebrow.

“Not particularly,” he said.

“I’m worried about him,” Shinya said.

“Oh? Why’s that?” Kyo zipped his backpack and got it slung over his shoulder. He would have headed for the door, but Shinya blocked his path.

“Are you joking?” Shinya said. “Like you haven’t noticed?”

Kyo shifted a bit guiltily. He _hadn’t_ really noticed, since, even when he wasn't busy with sukekiyo, he’d been trying not to pay much attention to Die. “Is it the drinking again?” he asked.

Shinya frowned. “It is, but that’s not what worries me as much.”

Kyo was quiet as he waited for Shinya to go on.

“It’s the sex,” Shinya said somewhat bluntly. “He has some constant revolving door of partners and I haven’t seen a single one of them more than one night.”

“Maybe he’s just—”

“No,” Shinya cut him off. “Not even Die could be this down for this much casual sex. I can’t remember the last time he was in a relationship, and… Have you really not seen him? It’s not healthy.”

“You’re not taking this kind of personally?” Kyo asked.

Shinya gave him a stern look. “Maybe I am, because Die is my _friend._ And I thought he was yours too.”

Kyo winced at that. “Geez, Shin, bit heavy handed with the guilt trip there.”

“Serves you right for not noticing without having it pointed out to you.”

“Is that why you’re pointing it out then, to make me feel bad?” Kyo asked.

“Actually, no. I thought maybe you could help,” Shinya said.

“Help how? I don’t do interventions.”

“Just _talk_ to him.”

“Why me?” Kyo shifted his weight to his other foot. “ _Besides_ that he’s my friend,” he added quickly.

“Well, honestly,” Shinya said, looking somewhat regretful, “because you have some personal experience with self-destructive behavior.”

Kyo couldn’t argue with that and they were both quiet until he said, “How do you know he’ll even want to talk to me?” It had been nearly a month since that night at Die’s place, and they hadn’t been real chatty.

Shinya looked at him curiously and Kyo rubbed at his eyes before explaining further.

“Last time we talked, we… fought. I kind of said some pretty nasty things to him,” Kyo said.

“He never mentioned that to me.”

“Yeah, he wouldn’t,” Kyo said. “It was pretty personal.”

Shinya did not seem pleased by this new information, but he just sighed. “Will you at least try?”

Kyo nodded and Shinya finally stepped aside so he could get through the door.

As he went home Kyo wondered what on earth he could possibly _say_ to Die. He was sure his words had hurt him so much already. With a sick feeling in his stomach he wondered if it had been his fault that Die had turned to such self-destructive coping methods in the first place. He doubted his ability to be helpful and grew more nauseous as he recalled the far-off look in Die’s eyes as he had held that knife so loosely under the running water, the shrunken way he had disappeared into himself as Kyo had yelled at him in his own living room.

Geez, what was Kyo, some kind of monster? How could Shinya think Die would ever want to hear anything from Kyo ever again?

Kyo got to his apartment (down one floor and a few doors over from his old one) and ignored an incoming call from Kaoru. It wasn’t the first time he’d done such a thing, and he wasn’t shocked to receive a text a moment later asking if he was okay. Kyo bit his lip as he considered his response. This was one of the things he’d discovered was less than perfect in his relationship with Kaoru; Kaoru was so awkward about feelings or anything personal, and Kyo usually found it easier to just deal with his stuff on his own. He’d get the “are you okay?” text, but he knew it was sent out of obligation, could almost feel Kaoru’s sigh of relief from across the city as he sent his reply: _Yeah, I’m fine_.

Things had only gotten stranger and more difficult to talk about after that night when he’d shown up at Kaoru’s, desperate to let Kaoru take out his own negative pent-up emotions on him. Somehow Kyo had hoped it would bring them closer together, that things would make more sense, but while it did ignite a heated (if somewhat questionable with regards to emotional health) sexual aspect to their relationship, Kyo couldn’t get himself to _talk_ about what he needed, or why, and Kaoru seemed wholly uncomfortable asking. When things went too far, they just didn't discuss it, just like Kyo couldn’t discuss what all had occurred between him and Die.

Kyo skipped dinner, instead taking a long, meditative bath and turning in early. Even so he didn’t get much sleep, and he cursed the observation that, after all this time and so much supposed progress, Die was still the person that could most easily get under his skin and stay there.

At the studio the next day, Kyo was all ready to tell Shinya sorry, but he couldn’t help, and Shinya ought to find someone else to speak to Die (preferably someone who hadn’t probably already done some kind of psychological damage)—but then he _saw_ Die. And he realized just how much he hadn’t been looking at him in the past month. Die was so awfully _thin_ and he looked more tired than Kyo had ever seen him, dark circles under his eyes horribly pronounced. Even the way he carried himself seemed changed. There was no cockiness, no swagger. His movements were heavy, almost sluggish, and he seemed lost in his own head. Kyo couldn’t stand seeing him like that, and when they were done for the day he sent Kaoru off without even a kiss, coming to sit by Die as he slowly gathered up his things to take home.

Die glanced up at him, but it was as if he didn’t have the energy to look surprised. “How can I help you?”

“Probably you can’t,” Kyo said with a shrug. “Just wondered if you had some time to hang out.”

“I have a date,” Die said.

“A date, or a hook-up?” Kyo asked, but there was no judgment in it.

Die didn’t answer.

“What’s their name?” Kyo asked.

When Die didn’t answer again, Kyo put a hand on his shoulder.

“I don’t think they’ll mind too much if you skip out on ‘em this once and we go grab some coffee.” Kyo stood up and held out a hand to pull Die up as well. “Honestly, you look like you could use it.”

With only the smallest reluctance, Die allowed himself to be helped up, and it didn’t take long from there for them to make it to a nearby coffee shop.

They sat with their beverages in silence for a short time before Die said, “I thought you didn’t want to be around me anymore.”

Kyo frowned slightly as he shook his head. “That wasn’t really the issue.”

“Did you… tell Kaoru? About what I said…?” Die asked, looking down into his cup.

“Should I have?”

“No,” Die said. “But… if you had, I couldn’t fault you for it. I mean, it’s yours to tell now too.”

Kyo studied Die for a moment and then said, “I don’t think so. It’s your feelings. I haven’t told him and I wasn’t planning on doing so.”

“Is that okay?” Die said. “For you to be here, with me… feeling the way I do… and your boyfriend doesn’t know?”

Kyo arched an eyebrow. “He doesn’t own me.” Even as he said it he had a flash of memory, him begging Kaoru to do just that, and he had to lower his eyes to the table. “We trust each other enough to not have to share everything.”

Die gave him a strange look, but didn’t comment.

They lapsed into silence again and Kyo started flipping through things on his phone. Die was staring vaguely out the window when Kyo nudged him. “Ne, Die, have you ever read anything by Dorothy Parker?”

“I don’t know who that is,” Die said.

“20th century American poet,” Kyo said. “Pretty smart lady.”

“Hmm.” Die nodded.

“Anyway, I thought this poem by her was kind of funny. Reminds me a little of myself.” Kyo passed his phone to Die then, the poem titled, “Resumé” pulled up on the small screen, side by side with a Japanese translation. He waited while Die read it, sipping at his coffee before watching Die’s face. Die held onto the phone longer than Kyo was expecting, it being a pretty short poem. Still he waited for him to hand it back, which he did a few minutes later with a small smile. “It’s good, right?” Kyo asked, exiting the browser before setting his phone down on the table. “I don’t know, I guess I just like the irreverent way she talks about death, about life.”

“Guess I shouldn’t be surprised you’d find something like that amusing,” Die said.

“There are times to take things seriously and times to be able to laugh at our own weaknesses,” Kyo said with a shrug, and Die shook his head but he seemed a bit more present.

Die slowly started to loosen up after that, his usual smile gradually making its reappearance. They talked about poetry a bit more, with Die teasing Kyo some for being a pretentious little shit—which Kyo allowed because he knew it was, on occasion, true.

After a while, Die said, “So… how’s Kaoru?”

Kyo gave him a skeptical look. _This again?_ “Kaoru’s fine. Which you know, since you see him pretty regularly.”

“I guess I meant, how’s it going… _with_ him?” Die said, looking down at his mostly empty coffee cup again.

“You’re not obligated to ask that, you know,” Kyo said. “We don’t have to talk about my relationship. I’m not… trying to hurt you.”

“What _are_ we doing exactly?” Die asked, meeting Kyo’s eyes.

Kyo shrugged, a little uneasy under Die’s gaze. “Hanging out. Talking.” He wet his lips and then said, “Die, listen, about what I said before… that other night—”

Die shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, you were right.”

“No, I was an asshole,” Kyo said. “You didn’t deserve anything about how I spoke to you and I’m sorry. Okay? Seriously sorry.” He hesitated a moment, wanting to reach across the table for Die’s hand, but dropped both his hands into his lap instead. “I just wanted to make sure you’re doing okay.”

Die looked out the window again. “In all honesty, I hadn’t been,” he said. “Old habits and what have you. It started to feel like I was drowning, but like in those dreams where, no matter how hard you’re screaming, no sound comes out?” He chuckled. “This is the most okay I’ve felt in a while.”

Kyo nodded, understanding the feeling Die was describing all too well. “Shinya was really the one trying to toss you the lifeline. I’ve been too wrapped up in my own shit to see how much you needed help,” Kyo admitted sadly. “I know some of it is… my fault. I wasn’t even sure you’d be willing to talk to me after everything.”

“I’m really glad you reached out,” Die said. “I couldn’t have. I’ll tell Shinya how much I appreciate him too.”

 

It became a regular thing. A couple times a week Kyo would go out with Die to get coffee or grab breakfast and they’d just talk. Kyo was happy to do it; if nothing else, during those sessions at least Die wasn’t drinking himself into a coma or seeking comfort in some stranger’s bed. Another month passed and Die started to regain some of his natural radiance, slowly seeming healthier.

Shinya didn’t talk to Kyo about it again but sometimes watched approvingly when he saw them entering the studio together, a subtle smile on his otherwise-aloof face.

Kaoru never questioned it and Kyo was glad. There was an understanding and an interest he got with Die that was missing from his relationship with Kaoru. They had passion and tension, and they had small, sweet moments of comfort and tenderness too, but Kaoru wasn’t much of a talker, and he wasn’t all that _interested_ in things that Kyo was interested in. The _X-Files_ marathon Kyo had tried to plan had fizzled out disappointingly after only two episodes, and Kyo always felt like he had to be hiding the fact that this kind of thing hurt him, maybe more than he thought it should.

When Kaoru and Kyo split up after three months together, it was a quiet thing. There was no anger or jealousy or blame—just a mutual agreement that, while it had been worth the time spent, it wasn’t bringing anyone enough happiness to draw it out just for the sex. They didn’t bother making any announcement to the rest of the band, trying to keep the entire affair as low-key and simple as it had always been meant to be.

Kyo wanted to confide in Die, but he was careful to keep himself in check. If he went and told Die he was single, it would sound like a _suggestion_ at the very least and he didn’t want to be that guy. Nothing in him could deny that his feelings for Die had apparently not abated at all, but he refused to be so selfish as to control their entire dynamic, or to let a relationship with Die be established or not on his terms and his terms only. He didn’t want Die to feel like he’d had to just wait for Kyo to _decide_ he wanted him.

It wasn’t always easy to keep to himself. Once he and Kaoru were over, Kyo allowed himself more and more frequently to think of Die in a romantic context. He found himself wanting to tell Die everything, all the things he couldn’t tell anyone, all the hopes he tried to pretend he didn’t have for the future. He would be almost torn apart by the overwhelming urge to _kiss_ Die, only to have even such a thought rendered impossible by the huge grin splitting Die’s face, making his lips an unstable target.

And Die was smiling more all the time. As far as anyone could tell he had stopped the random and unsafe sexual encounters. Kyo started to worry that it meant he’d found someone steady. How stupid could Kyo be anyway, thinking Die would wait around for him after how he’d treated him? It seemed suddenly obvious that Die had moved on, that he didn’t _need_ Kyo anymore, and Kyo was utterly convinced that this was what Die was going to say as he walked towards him after a recording session one afternoon.

“Hey, Kyo, I just wanted to catch you before you took off,” Die said, and Kyo steeled himself for the inevitable. “It’s kind of weird to say maybe, but I wanted to thank you for showing me that poem.”

Kyo blinked at him. “Poem?”

“The, uh, Dorothy Parker one?”

“Oh!” Kyo frowned in confusion. “You’re welcome?”

“I wasn’t able to really tell you at the time, but I guess that was twice that you saved my life,” Die said with a slight smile.

Kyo cocked his head to the side, awaiting further explanation.

“I really hadn’t been doing well. Not… exactly that I was actively suicidal,” Die said, the words rushing out, “But I just didn’t care about anything, and somehow that poem… you showing it to me, it made me realize I didn’t want to die. I don’t want to. I started living again, and it was thanks to you.”

Kyo hardly trusted himself to speak, but after a minute he managed, “And… the other time?”

Die looked down at his own hands, traced his thumb along the scar on the palm of one. “That night… was the closest I ever came to doing something _truly_ stupid. If you hadn’t come into the kitchen when you did…” He shrugged. “Thank you for being there.”

Kyo looked at him in horror. “But that… was _my fault_. Both of these things were _because_ of me in the first place, Die, I am so, _so_ —”

“Stop it,” Die said seriously. “None of it was your fault. You’re not responsible for my feelings or for how I handle them. Never. Okay? I just… I’m better now. The world starts to make sense again.” He smiled a bit sadly. “It still hurts, but I’m okay, and I wanted to tell you how much it’s meant, that you’ve been with me through all of it, even if...” Die glanced past Kyo, over to where Kaoru was putting his bag over his shoulder and moving towards the door. “Anyway, I know you’ve got to go.”

“Huh?” Kyo said blankly.

Die waved a hand at Kaoru leaving the room. “Kaoru said it’s date night or whatever, so. Have a good time.”

Kyo opened his mouth and closed it again. Everyone else had cleared out and it almost felt too quiet to admit things out loud. Still, he wasn’t going to _lie_ to Die about where things were with Kaoru, especially not after Die had just been so heartfelt with him. “Die,” he began, then paused, pulling his lips between his teeth and releasing them. “Kaoru might have a date tonight, but I don’t. We’re not together.” He waited nervously for Die’s reaction, prepared for him to be angry.

Die stared at him. He blinked very slowly and nodded once. “You guys broke up?”

“We did,” Kyo said.

“When did that happen?”

“Last month.”

“Last _month_?!” Ah, and there was the anger. It was replaced quickly by hurt as Die said, “You didn’t tell me.”

“We didn’t really tell anyone,” Kyo said. “It’s not like we made some big announcement with it.”

“But all this time we’ve been hanging out and talking, it never came up?” Die said skeptically. “You didn’t _want_ to tell me.”

“I did want to!” Kyo argued. “But I was worried—I didn’t want you to think—”

“You didn’t want me to get the wrong idea,” Die said sadly. “Just because you’re single doesn’t mean…” He nodded and a wry little chuckle fell from his mouth like dust. “You still don’t want to be with me.”

“What?” Kyo said in honest confusion. “No, that’s not it at all! I want to be with you, you know I’ve had feelings for you for _years_ —”

“And you still have those feelings?”

“Well, yeah,” Kyo said. “But it’s not _right_ for me to be the one calling the shots just arbitrarily on whether we date or not—”

“Kyo, just—stop talking,” Die said, holding up both hands. “How can you get so much done with your mind working the way it does? You’re smart, Kyo, but wow, you can be really stupid sometimes.” He smiled, moved to slowly set his hands gently on Kyo’s shoulders, and leaned in to kiss him.

Kyo’s heart was hammering in his chest as Die’s lips met his, so soft and pliant and entirely perfect. He could have easily gotten lost in a kiss like that, but he pulled back after only a few seconds. “I mean it, if we’re going to be together, we need to have totally equal footing in this.”

“We will,” Die said. “We _do_. But you’re telling me I could have been kissing you for the past _month_ , and I think I’ve got some time to make up for.” He closed his mouth over Kyo’s again, tongue sliding almost sweetly along the seam of Kyo’s lips.

The tiny gasp Kyo let out was just enough for Die’s tongue to push into his mouth, but at the way Kyo tensed, Die backed off, breaking the kiss and looking down at him.

“You want us to be really crystal clear about this,” Die said. “What I said months ago is still true. I want you. I want to be _with_ you. The other people between then and now…” He gave a sheepish shrug. “They didn’t mean anything—but I am clean, if that’s something you’re worried about,” he added.

“It… wasn’t actually, but good to know,” Kyo said with a huffed-out little laugh. “I guess I just… Is this real? You didn’t want me before, and I never stopped loving you, and then you came out of nowhere with it, and I was so awful to you and I don’t even know what’s happening now.” Kyo spoke quickly, his words all running together, trying to hide behind one another, a blush spreading rapidly over his face out to the tips of his ears. “Maybe we should be taking things slowly, in case you change your mind again and you only wanted me because of Kaoru—”

“Whoa, whoa, slow down,” Die said, his face suddenly lined with concern. “That’s what you’re worried about? Kyo, this has _nothing_ to do with Kaoru, I assure you. I was a complete idiot before for rejecting you, and I’ve regretted it ever since. When you were with Kaoru, it hurt just because… I realized I might have lost my chance forever and I had no one to blame but myself. You were right to tell me off for how I was behaving. But this… a second chance? I can’t let you go again.” He took Kyo’s hand, held it tight. “We can go as slow as you need to, but I’ve been waiting quite a while already, and so have you. I don’t _want_ to waste any more time.”

“I don’t want to waste time either,” Kyo said.

And this time he was ready for the kiss, let his lips part and Die tease his tongue into his mouth. Then Die was grabbing at him, pulling him closer. There was an intoxicating sense of urgency to it and soon Die was sucking on Kyo’s tongue, pulling a whine from him as he gathered a fistful of his hair.

Kyo was just starting to get lost in the sensations again, letting himself be maneuvered to wherever Die wanted him, letting his body press closer to Die’s so he could _feel_ him, all lean and warm and so _near_ —when Die took a step back, his hands on Kyo’s shoulders to steady him.

Die smiled as he caught his breath. “Let’s get out of here.”

Kyo nodded and followed Die from the studio, down and out to his car with no further argument.

They didn’t talk as they drove, and Kyo tried to keep some amount of focus, willing the car to move faster. He hoped if they kept this momentum and everything moved fast enough, he wouldn’t get a chance to second-guess it all and panic his way back from Die. Without a decent distraction though, soon his thoughts were getting the better of him.

He hardly noticed them arriving at Die’s townhouse, wasn’t even fully aware when Die opened the front door and they were inside.

But then Die was kissing him again, slowly but still needfully, easing Kyo’s jacket off his shoulders.

Kyo was still struggling to pay attention, his brain providing a helpful list of all the reasons this wasn’t something they should be doing.

“Hey,” Die said softly against Kyo’s cheek. “You’re up in your head. Come back to me?” He kissed Kyo’s cheek, the corner of his mouth.

“Sorry,” Kyo said. He let out a sigh as Die stroked down his arms. 

“It’s all right,” Die said. “Just wondering what’s so much more interesting in there than what’s going on out here.”

“It’s nothing,” Kyo said automatically. “I’m fine.”

Die stopped, frowning at Kyo and stepping back. “You don’t have to be fine, you know.”

Kyo didn’t know how to respond to that. Of course he didn’t _have_ to be fine, but wasn’t it easier for everyone when he was? How were his fucked-up feelings going to be anything useful to Die?

“We can stop,” Die said.

“I don’t want to stop,” Kyo insisted. “I’m just… confused.”

“So talk to me,” Die said. “Don’t take this as me trying to pressure you or anything, but maybe if I can give you some thoughts to bounce against besides your own, it would be helpful.”

Well, that was certainly a foreign way of doing things. “It’s—the _band_ , and everything is sudden, and Kaoru and I were so careful about taking things _slow_ …”

“And did that make it… more lasting?” Die asked gently. There was none of the ugliness or sarcasm that Kyo might have expected with the words.

Kyo thought about it. In the end he supposed he and Kaoru weren’t meant to be anyway. Maybe it would have been worth it to stop denying themselves sooner, so they might have had a longer time to enjoy each other fully. He looked at Die, standing before him completely non-threatening, all patience and consideration. He wasn’t small or broken anymore, but he was there waiting for whatever answer Kyo would give, and Kyo found there was only one thing he could say. “No. I don’t want to deny you any longer. Don’t want to deny either of us.”

Kyo leaned up to kiss Die, cupping the back of his neck and pulling him down to meet him halfway. Die’s hands were on his waist, squeezing not overly hard.

“You’re sure?” Die breathed when he pulled back from the kiss.

“For once,” Kyo said.

Kyo might have kissed Die again right then had it not been for the smile that overtook Die’s face, making it impossible. He stepped up into the living room, linking his fingers loosely with Die’s, keeping him close. Soon Die had him backed up against the arm of the couch and was kissing him again with more and more heat, and Kyo felt almost like he’d been thrown against a brick wall with how hard _desire_ hit him. After so much time of not knowing what he really _wanted_ , he was sure now that he wanted Die, wanted all of him, wanted them _together_.

Kyo hardly noticed his hands were already fisted in Die’s shirt as he tried to pull him even closer. Die let out the smallest moan into Kyo’s mouth, and Kyo swallowed it down, let Die suck on his tongue again and felt the action send shock waves straight down to his cock. His hips gave a little jerk and then he yelped as he fell abruptly back over the arm of the couch, landing on his back on the cushions.

Die was pulled halfway down with him with Kyo’s hands still clutching Die’s shirt, but he managed to catch himself with one hand on the back of the couch. He stood leaning over the arm of the couch laughing, and it was an incredibly musical sound to Kyo’s ears.

Nonetheless, Kyo said, “Fuck you, you’re laughing at me!” He shoved at Die’s chest, getting him to stand up properly.

“I’m definitely laughing at you,” Die agreed. “But I’m also trying to decide what’s the best way to climb on top of you.”

Kyo squirmed on the cushions, scooted backwards so his legs weren’t hanging over the arm anymore. “Maybe if you didn’t have so many damn pillows on your couch,” he said, throwing a couple onto the floor, “you could just come over here.” He let his legs fall open, making a clear space for Die to fit.

Die took the invitation eagerly, climbing onto the couch between Kyo’s legs and leaning over him again. This time he went for slow, tender kisses down the length of Kyo’s neck that had Kyo sighing. After a few minutes he made a small frustrated clucking noise with his tongue and Kyo shifted around to look at his face.

“What’s wrong?” Kyo asked.

“This shirt is completely in my way,” Die said, tugging a little at the collar of Kyo’s button-down.

Kyo smirked at that. “Then do something about it.”

Die seemed pleased to have been given such express permission, and went quickly about his task of getting the shirt unbuttoned. There was something like awe on his face as he revealed more and more of Kyo’s skin, but Kyo couldn’t understand it at all, since he knew Die had to have seen him shirtless more times than he could count.

As soon as he could get the shirt fully open, Die was licking and kissing his way down Kyo’s chest, his tongue gliding along old scars like he might know them intimately by taste. His mouth closed over one nipple and Kyo gasped, got his hand buried in Die’s hair.

Kyo could feel Die’s tongue rolling over his nipple, circling it, and then his teeth nipping, pulling. Kyo moaned softly, arched up into Die’s mouth. Another few minutes brought Die finally moving to the other nipple, apparently satisfied with how he’d left the first, wet and red and vaguely aching. His treatment of the second nipple was much the same, sucking and biting a bit more harshly every time Kyo would give another small involuntary jerk of his hips. Already he was feeling driven out of his mind by the way Die was taking his time with him. He wanted his hands all over Die, pushing and pulling and gripping as hard as he could, but he simultaneously wanted to just lie still and let Die move over him, explore him to the fullest extent, until he was begging for release.

After what seemed like both far too long and far too short a time, Die began moving his kisses down Kyo’s abdomen. His tongue traced over defined muscles and dipped briefly into Kyo’s bellybutton, causing Kyo to gasp in a breath soundlessly. Kyo’s patience was slipping, and he spread his legs wider, hoping Die would take the hint, but Die had discovered Kyo’s hip bones and was taking his sweet time with them. He licked and bit at one side, one hand on Kyo’s thigh, keeping him out of the way, his other hand lightly caressing the same spot on the other side. Kyo wriggled under him, his muscles tensed almost painfully. He needed more but he didn’t want Die to stop. He reached for Die, trying to push him lower, then changing his mind and trying to pull him back up, but Die just caught Kyo’s hands in his and held them almost loosely away from himself. Die’s mouth continued its business working along the skin above the top of Kyo’s jeans, the flat of his tongue pressing against the prominent vein there. 

Kyo pushed his hips up and finally let out a whisper of, “Die, please…”

Die didn’t look up, just went back to slowly kissing his way across Kyo’s body as he said, “Hmm?”

“What happened to not making us wait any longer, and not wanting to waste time?” Kyo said with a huff of air that was almost a laugh.

At that Die stopped what he was doing and sat up, looking at Kyo seriously. He was still holding both of Kyo’s hands. “I’m not wasting time. Do you think this is a waste of time?”

Kyo instantly regretted having said anything at all. It wasn’t like he didn’t like everything Die was doing, it was just that some part of him felt sure Die was going to get _bored_ and he didn’t want to let him get to that point. After all, Kyo knew the kind of thing people generally wanted from him and it wasn’t this. Die was still obviously waiting for an answer and Kyo just shrugged helplessly.

Die let go of Kyo’s hands, looking honestly a bit hurt. “It isn’t for me.”

Kyo didn’t know how he could possibly backpedal his way out of this one. He propped himself up on one elbow, trying to reach with his free hand to get a hold of Die again. “I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to stop.” He knew he was blushing badly as he said, “I just… wanted more.”

Die frowned at him. “You’re allowed to want more. Hell, obviously, I _want_ you to want more, that’s part of the point of what I’m doing. I just don’t see how it’s a waste of time then.” He shook his head. “I’m sorry for getting hung up on this, but it feels like… that’s how you’re seeing _yourself_ , as a ‘waste of time.’ You want me to fast-forward through the part where my attention is only on _you_. But that’s not what I want to do. If all I wanted was a _fuck_ , plain and simple… there are other people I could find for that.” He paused before he leaned in, kissed Kyo’s cheek. “You’ll have to forgive me for not going for the instant gratification with you. If you need more, you only ever need to say so, but don’t for a second think my focus being on you means I’m not enjoying myself.”

A somewhat awkward silence stretched between them as Kyo tried to scrounge up something to say. He sat all the way up and tugged at his shirt, pulling it mostly closed again as he stared down at a hole in the knee of his jeans. He felt guilty and uneasy; he’d gone and wrecked everything, but he didn’t know how to explain himself. It wasn’t like he could very well say _Well, you see I’m just not used to people wanting me for more than the fuck_ —he wasn’t trying to get Die to _pity_ him, and besides he knew it hadn’t really been that way with Kaoru, it had just been… a different style. It was more that Kyo wasn’t used to people being _interested_ in him the way Die was, but that didn’t sound much better. At length he said, “It might just take some getting used to. Usually…” He pressed his lips together, trying to find a way to end that sentence that didn’t sound pathetic and coming up empty.

“You made such a big deal about us having equal footing, right?” Die said, and Kyo nodded. “So can you just… _try_ to trust me on this? I’m not saying don’t tell me what you want or don’t want, but… let _me_ decide what _I_ want. Okay?”

“Okay,” Kyo said. That seemed easy enough to agree to. He still wished he’d never interrupted what had been such nice kissing a few moments ago, but he supposed that it was a very typical Him thing to do, so he couldn’t act all surprised. “Then what do you want?”

“Right now, I’m mostly excited about making _you_ feel good,” Die said with a smile.

Kyo hesitated and nodded again before letting himself relax back down against the couch cushions.

“Now, where was I?” Die muttered as he settled over Kyo once more. “Maybe I should just start all the way over…”

Kyo scowled at him and Die laughed.

“Or, I could just pick up where I left off, which I think was riiiight about _here_ ,” Die said, placing one hand lightly over the crotch of Kyo’s jeans and just letting it rest there. Kyo did his best to keep still, his hands loose at his sides, as Die bent to kiss and nip at his hip bones as he had before. This time though, there was more of an obviously sexual intent to it, and though the movements were slow, the subtle addition of Die’s hand resting over Kyo’s growing arousal had things ramping up within a short time. 

Kyo pushed his hips up towards Die’s hand and let out something that was somehow both a gasp and a sigh as Die gave his cock more of a squeeze through his jeans. Die moved lower, nuzzled his cheek against Kyo’s crotch, and Kyo bit down on his lip, determined not to beg, to just let Die do whatever he wanted.

Thankfully Die moved then and went about getting Kyo’s jeans open. He wasn’t taking his time with that particular obstacle, and it wasn’t long at all before he had Kyo’s fly open, his jeans and boxers pulled down to just under the swell of his ass, enough to leave him accessible, but not especially naked.

Kyo eyed Die curiously. If he really left his pants like this, Die couldn’t even _fuck_ him, and maybe he really was just interested in making Kyo feel good. Or, maybe Die wanted Kyo to top him? They hadn’t discussed it, after all, so Kyo didn’t know why he’d assume one way or the other besides that his personal experience had been… well, people really seemed to like his ass. He was about to ask Die what he was planning when Die’s hand was suddenly tight around Kyo's cock, pumping eagerly, and Kyo could only groan, digging the heel of one foot into the couch cushion.

“You look absolutely incredible like this,” Die said, his eyes wandering over Kyo’s form ceaselessly. “Just in case you were wondering.” He doubled over again, and the wet warmth of Die’s tongue was dragging over Kyo's balls as his hand continued its work on Kyo's erection. There was a kind of gentle suction now and then, and Kyo knew pre-cum was already beading at the tip of his cock, gradual and so telling of how much Die’s attention was working him up. Die moved his hand lower, holding the base of Kyo’s cock. He got his mouth over the head, tongue swirling around it, causing Kyo’s mind to go all static for a few seconds. Then Die was swallowing Kyo down, his lips bumping his fist where he was gripping Kyo so firmly.

“Oh, shit,” Kyo said, looking down at Die, how his eyes were closed with this kind of blissful expression even with his mouth so full. “So fucking beautiful,” Kyo whispered.

Die’s eyes opened, flicked up to Kyo’s face, and there was a smile in them that his mouth wasn’t currently capable of. He pulled up, swiped his tongue over the head again before moving back down on Kyo’s dick. He repeated this pattern several times and just as Kyo could feel his balls tightening, that burning in his belly flaring up—Die pulled all the way off with a soft pop, sat up, and looked down at Kyo, smiling broadly.

“I—what? Why? Don’t stop?” Kyo said in confusion, reaching helplessly for Die. His orgasm had been close enough he could taste it and yeah, he wanted to let Die do whatever he wanted, but seriously, wasn’t that just mean?

Then Kyo noticed that Die was undoing his own belt. He watched as Die shifted up enough to get his own jeans and boxer briefs out of the way, his cock springing free in a manner that had Kyo rolling his hips unconsciously. He hadn’t even realized Die was so worked up, just from everything he’d been doing to Kyo, and seeing the evidence of it made Kyo’s heart seem to beat impossibly fast.

“Together,” Die said, one hand moving smoothly over his own length as he scooted forward between Kyo’s thighs.

Kyo swallowed, kept his eyes on Die as he lowered himself against Kyo, and let out a choked-off moan as their erections made contact.

Die was wet, pre-cum spilling steadily, _obscenely_ from him, and that just made the slide of their cocks against one another that much easier. His hand wrapped around both of them at once, jerked them together, their moans coming out in the most erotic of harmonies.

Kyo hitched his legs up around Die, finally let his hands roam all over him, touching and grabbing and feeling. Die was still mostly dressed, and so was Kyo, actually, but somehow this, with Die moving against him, breathing out half-formed words of affection against his shoulder, both of them shuddering on the brink of some unknowable chasm, was more intimate than anything he’d had with Kaoru, perhaps than he’d had with _anyone_ , and Kyo couldn’t really understand it. He found himself straining, listening for that voice telling him what he was supposed to want, telling him what was good or wasn’t—but it was silent. All there was was a knowledge and an acceptance, that Kyo was loved, that Die wanted Kyo for who he was and not what he could give him. There was no voice that had to tell him that; it was just a fact that seemed to permeate the air surrounding them.

It was with a shocked cry that Kyo lost himself, cumming between them, shoulders shaking as he clung to Die, on the verge of tears he still couldn’t process. 

Die was still whispering against his skin, how beautiful Kyo was, how he loved him, and he was still moving against him, though he’d let go his grip on their cocks so as not to hurt Kyo while he was oversensitive. It was only a moment later that he reached his own climax, ropes of cum spattering across Kyo’s taut abdomen, mixing with Kyo’s release already there.

Kyo was still clutching Die tighter than he meant to, his face buried in the crook of Die’s neck, his eyes wet even though he wasn’t actively crying. He didn’t want Die to see him like this and to think something was wrong when strangely, _nothing_ was wrong at all. For once, it seemed like things were _right_. Kyo had known he wanted Die, and even in the aftermath there was nothing to suggest he’d been wrong for wanting him. The unfamiliar, _stable_ certainty that Die loved him, and would continue to love him even after the sex was over, still filled the room.

“Kyo?” Die said softly. He moved to sit up and ended up dragging Kyo up with him since he was still holding onto him. His hand moved in warm little circles over Kyo’s back and he nudged at Kyo’s head so he could press a kiss to Kyo’s temple. “You need a nap?” 

Kyo was utterly drained, emotionally, physically, and every other way, so a nap sounded like pretty much the only thing he _could_ do right then. He nodded his head slightly and asked, “Here?”

“Bed’s probably more comfortable,” Die said.

Kyo just curled himself more around Die, not wanting to get up if it meant letting go of him.

“Hmm,” Die said. He shifted them around on the couch and got his hands securely under Kyo’s thighs. “Wasshoi!” He stood up from the couch with Kyo still wrapped around him and carried him around the couch and down the hall.

When Die finally set Kyo down, gently encouraging him to relax his hold, Kyo found, to his surprise, that they were in the bathroom, and he’d been settled on the edge of the tub.

“That was only really dangerous because my pants are half off,” Die said, moving to push them the rest of the way down his legs. 

Kyo was still looking around kind of confused. “What happened to our nap?” he wondered aloud.

“You seemed tense, so I thought you might need something to relax you a bit more,” Die said, reaching past Kyo to start filling the bath. “Considered putting on _The Empire Strikes Back,_ but it seemed like a bath was the more obvious answer.” He gestured to the shower next to the tub. “Shower first?”

Kyo looked down at himself and grimaced. He was in a bizarre state of partial undress and every part of his body that was showing was sticky with sweat and cum. He went about removing his clothing, tossing it in a pile in the corner. 

Die did the same and offered a hand to Kyo to help him stand and guide him under the shower head. Once the tub was filled, he turned some knobs, switching the spray from the tub faucet to the shower and tilted his head back under it, closing his eyes as warm water ran over his face and hair. He pulled Kyo close, getting him under the water as well.

Kyo couldn’t help just watching Die as the water washed over him, loud in a way he couldn’t hear. Die was different like this, his hair slicked back with water instead of flowing around him, his body all angles and sharp lines. He was no less beautiful in this moment than when Kyo had fallen for him years ago, and Kyo had to marvel at how he’d gotten to this point. This was another kind of intimacy he wasn’t used to, as Die wordlessly started soaping Kyo up, washing him off, staying close enough that Kyo could feel his skin, slippery and hot, pressed against him at all times.

Once they were clean Die shut off the shower and got into the tub, hissing at the still-hot water. He reached for Kyo again, got him tucked in against him, his intricately tattooed back pressed to Die’s chest, and held him loosely as Kyo slowly let himself get comfortable.

They were quiet for a long time before Kyo said, “How did we get here?”

“I carried you.”

Kyo huffed out a soft sound, thinking maybe there was something significant to that answer, though he knew Die just meant literally to the bathroom. He felt Die’s lips pressing the smallest of kisses against his hair and behind his ear, and smiled. “I didn’t think I could have this.”

“I didn’t think I’d get another chance,” Die said. “I was so sure I’d let you slip away forever.” He tightened his arms around Kyo briefly. 

Kyo tipped his head back against Die’s shoulder, looking sideways at him. “I won’t slip away now.”

“And you’re okay?”

“Mm, it was just… intense,” Kyo said, closing his eyes. After a pause he said, “For a while now, I’ve been unsure about things. I’ll think I know what I want, but I’ll start doubting it in the same breath. There’s always a _voice_ trying to convince me one way or the other and I never know exactly whose voice it is, whether it's my own or someone else’s. I start to doubt everything.” He let his hands rest over Die’s across his belly. “There don’t seem to be any conflicting voices now. With you, I don’t feel so unsure. I _know_ what I’m doing is right.” He chuckled lightly. “It’s foreign.”

“You should trust your own voice,” Die said. “It’s such a strong one.”

“It’s not always as easy to recognize as you might think.”

“Tsk, you should just ask me. I’d know your voice anywhere,” Die said, and Kyo could feel his smile against his cheek. “Speaking of which,” Die went on, “this bathroom has great acoustics. I sing in here a lot; you should try it sometime.”

“What would you have me sing?” Kyo asked.

Die made a small considering noise and then laughed. “‘Undecided’? Is that too inauspicious a song for the beginning of our relationship?”

Kyo smiled. “We can put any context to the lyrics. In this case, I’m choosing to think of the context… of what kind of takeout will we order when we get out of this bath?”

Die snorted out a laugh, jostling Kyo where he leaned against him. “Might have to change a couple lines to get that meaning across.”

“Might have to change a couple lines anyway ‘cause I probably don’t remember them all,” Kyo said.

Die was still laughing as Kyo started to sing, his voice bouncing cathartically off the tiles of the room. Die was right about the acoustics, and Kyo felt sure he would take advantage of the opportunity to sing in this bathroom countless times in their future together. There were plenty of questions he’d still have to deal with later, but whether he wanted Die, whether Die loved him, whether the two of them could be happy… none of those were on that list, and of that he could be sure.


End file.
